The Telegram
by Sythar
Summary: SillyFic. What would Les Mis sound like in telegram form? Hugo knows, and now so does his editor. A New Year present.


Ever had a Non-Mizzie friend ask what the plot is? But demand you keep it short and not give away any saliant plot points? I did. This is how I answered them. my excuses for giving away just about every plot point there was are: 1. It's funny so it's okay. 2. Plot Points People Dying. Cut that out and the synopsis becomes rather unintelligible.

Anyway.. pure silliness for New Years. I promise those of you who follow my other story that it will return hopefully in the next few days. I swear!

I don't own Hugo, his editor, or Les Mis. Neither do I own telegrams.

xxxx xxxx xxxxx

CAST

Valjean: Our saintly and not-so-saintly old hero!

Javert - Inspector First Class: The devoted and fascinating policeman who is so interesting and handsome and has such magnificent sideburns and... sorry. The duty-bound and tenacious antagonist.

Marius: The young love interest. A lawyer and a twit

Fantine: The poignant pwahog (prostitue with a heart of gold).

Cosette: Fantine's biological daughter, Valjean's adopted daughter, Marius's beloved. A mary sue with all the trimmings. No brains, just poofy hair. (And no, Valjean and Fantine are never in any sort of romantic relationship)

Mesieur Thenardier: An innkeeper, rogue, and thief.

Madame T: The wife of the innkeeper rogue and thief. Big lady, with a bit of a beard.

Gavroche: The former pair's son. Young chap who likes running around Paris. Cheerful and very cute.

Eponine: The Thenardier's daughter. In love with Marius.

Enjolras: A young handsome fella in charge of a revolution.

Grantaire: said young fella's token drunkard.

Various students

The Bishop of Digne: Saintly chappee who redeems our hero and gives us the story.

VICTOR HUGO to

EDITOR IN CHIEF OF THE PARIS PUBLISHING HOUSE

wrote 80 pages on saintly bishop(stop)Very nice man (stop) pity book not about him at all (stop)81st page (stop) finally introduced main chracter (stop) name of Valjean, Jean Valjean (stop) Keeps wanting to order martinis (stop) had to tell him they don't exist in Digne (stop)  
Valjean very cool (stop) real live criminal (stop) to make sympathetic, only stole loaf of bread (stop) got five years, but kept trying to escape (stop) spent 19 years in Toulon (stop) rather stupid (stop)  
pages on sad life of convicts (stop) poor man can't get work (stop) cried into brandy while reading it (stop)Goes to Saintly Bishop's house to stay night (stop) Bishop very nice man (stop)  
Valjean naughty (stop) steals silver (stop) BAD Valjean (stop) Runs off (stop) for moral impact is brought back instantly by two (just add water) policemen (stop).  
Very Nice Bishop tells policemen he gave Valjean silver (stop) gives Valjean silver candlesticks (stop) Bishop has halo (stop) Valjean leaves with silver (stop) accidentally/on purpose steals coin from boy (stop) realises evil in heart and repents on knees! Becomes real boy (stop) Sorry, wrong story (stop)  
Many pages on Fantine and Tholomydes and girls who will not appear again (stop) Most amusing (stop) Bishop dead (stop)  
Tholomydes gets Fantine pregnant (stop) and leaves (stop) she also leaves (stop) everyone leaves (stop)  
Fantine gives Cosette to innkeepers for a while (stop) big plot point (stop) Innkeepers naughty people (stop) with horns (stop) Fantine goes to M-sur-M (stop) not real name of place, but name too long to spell out in long telegram (stop)  
Now introduce Madeleine (stop) sneaky plot point (stop) Madeleine really Valjean (stop) don't tell Javert (stop) Madeleine very saintly man (stop) sorry, Very Saintly Man [tm (stop) is mayor (stop) has factory (stop) can lift heavy carts and give money to poor (stop) leaps buildings in single bound (stop)  
Fantine in Madeleine's factory (stop) get's fired cos of kid (stop) becomes very poor (stop) blames Valjean (stop) has voodoo doll in bedroom (stop) full of pins (stop) Madeleine/Valjean develops rheumatism (stop)  
Fantine forced to become prostitute (stop)  
Javert next (stop) like big police dog, except is man (stop) very smart (stop) suspects mayor of being convict (stop) because of moral themes, is also said to be simple and cranky (stop) disturbing how sometimes does things I don't remember writing (stop)  
Fantine arrested (stop) very sick (stop) mean Javert going to lock up in nasty prison cell (stop) realise that it would be workhouse/hospital, but moral themes are more important (stop)  
Madeleine enters and orders F's release! (stop) Javert argues (stop) Madeleine sends Javert away (stop) helps Fantine (stop)  
Javert mad (stop) denounces Madeleine and kicks stove (stop) puts gypsy curse on Madeleine (stop) Madeleine develops acne (stop)  
Fantine dying (stop) asks VJ/Madeleine to fetch daughter (stop) Madeleine leaving when Javert comes (stop) requests dismissal of self (stop)says did bad thing denoucing mayor (stop) especially when real Valjean already found (stop) leaves in dignified silence (stop) Javert very cool (stop) even though not meant to be (stop) want to change main character of novel (stop) 200 pages into book is too far (stop)  
Madeleine in great mental anguish (stop) must save single man! (stop) goes to trial (stop) admits who he is (stop) back to M-sur-M 'cos I had Javert tied up in cupboard (stop)  
Fantine dying (stop) talks to Valjean (stop) sees Javert and his scary-bigness scares her to death (stop) Valjean upset (stop)  
Valjean gets away (stop) Goes to Inn (stop) rescues cute little Cosette (stop) Forgot to mention long description of Waterloo (stop) very powerful (stop) introduced a character who doesn't appear again until dead (stop)  
Valjean takes Cute Cosette away from Evil Innkeepers (stop) goes to Paris (stop) Stumbles across Javert in plot device (stop) because I'm the author and can do what I like (stop)  
Javert chases Valjean (stop) is his job description (stop) Valjean escapes over wall to convent (stop) Saintly Old Nuns are just as good as Saintly Old Bishops (stop) Becomes gardener with a bit of help (stop) Javert annoyed (stop)  
Years pass (stop) stuff happens (stop) Cosette in convent being taught things (stop) Valjean happy gardening (stop) Javert happy policing (stop) everyone happy, but this does not progress plot much (stop)  
Pages introducing Marius (stop) a bit dim (stop) leaves home to study law (stop) very poor (stop) lives in same place as Innkeepers (stop) meets Cosette and falls in love (stop) stalks her (stop) valiantly (stop)  
Innkeeper's daughter -Eponine - in love with Marius (stop) tragic (stop) I am soooo good (stop)  
Marius joins revolutionary students (stop) led by 'Apollo' or Enjolras (stop) he is very cool (stop) once again want to change main character (stop)  
Pages of speeches and stuff (stop)  
Valjean and Cosette leave convent (stop) give money to poor (stop) give money to innkeepers (stop) Innkeepers make evil plots (stop) Marius hears and tells Javert (stop) Javert very odd and talks about burning his coat tails (stop) character getting out of hand (stop)  
Innkeeper and evil friends try to rob Valjean (stop) Valjean ultra brave and saintly (stop) Marius does not stop them because finds out too late that Innkeeper saved his father's life (stop) Marius gibbers (stop) Javert saves the day (stop) Valjean escapes (stop)  
Marius leaves and gets Eponine to take him to Cosette (stop) Angst (stop) I am sooooo gooood (stop)  
Cosette and Marius fall in love (stop) With poetry (stop) Valjean afraid of being found (stop) decides to go to England (stop) Cosette and Marius heartbroken (stop) Marius goes to die in revolutions (stop)  
Sends letter to Cosette (stop) Valjean reads (stop) Barricades formed and being attacked (stop) Valjean decides to save Marius!! (stop) Valjean super saintly (stop)  
Javert also at Barricades (stop) spying on revolutionaries (stop) Enjolras finds out and ties Javert up (stop) plans to shoot Javert later (stop) This will make the policeman stop getting out of hand (stop)  
Eponine dies saving Marius (stop) I am damn good (stop)  
Valjean arrives! (stop) Saves Enjolras (stop) saves barricade (stop) Sees Javert (stop) asks Enjolras for chance to blow out Javert's brains (stop) takes Javert outside barricade (stop) favorite scene (stop) ultra cool Valjean lets Javert go (stop) Javert at loss for words (FINALLY!!!!) (stop)  
Valjean goes back to barricade (stop) Everyone dies (stop) Except Valjean (stop) I'm not that mean (stop) at least, not yet (stop) Valjean, the super saint, takes Marius into sewers (stop) Marius unconscious (stop) Valjean carries Marius out of sewers (stop) Super strong (stop) has to give money to Evil Innkeeper (stop) Evil Innkeeper lets them out of grate (stop) Valjean leaves sewers and meets Javert (stop) Coincidence? (stop) Yes (stop) because I can (stop)  
Javert surprised (stop) Valjean surprised (stop) Marius unconscious, but no one would be able to tell (stop) Valjean wants to take Marius home (stop) Javert helps him (stop)  
Valjean wants to say goodbye to Cosette (stop) Javert lets him (stop) Javert says will wait, but doesn't (stop)  
Javert very confused (stop) Commits suicide (stop) 'Nuff said (stop)  
Cosette and Marius get married (stop) Very happy (stop) Valjean tells Marius who he is - convict!Valjean (stop) because is Super Martyr (stop) Marius makes him feel unwelcome (stop) because Marius is twit (stop) Valjean goes away (stop) is very sad (stop) I am soooo daaaamn goood! (stop)  
Innkeeper tries to blackmail Marius (stop) accidentally lets Marius know that Valjean saved his life (stop) Marius and Cosette go to Valjean (stop) Valjean dying (stop) dies after blessing them (stop) like every saintly drama hero should (stop)  
The End (stop)  
P.S (stop) Finally! (stop)


End file.
